Aol Made me move

I started this blog, as my first blog ever, on AOL a long time ago. It was as anonymous as anonymous can get. So I felt pretty safe about gushing forth with tirades and naked hopes and dreams.

I forgot about it after a while. Illness and exhaustion and the straws of life heavy on the back making blogging so very unimportant. Eventually I got a myspace blog and began to let it all hang out Roseanne Bar style there.

Aol didn't really make it easy to get to this blog and so I didn't ever give the abandoned words of more than a passing thought of, at least they are saved by posterity.

Well AOL has given up on its journals and offered to transfer everything to google. Should I have let it die or transfer the words to save them the death of nothingness while putting them somewhere far more connected to my identity?

I know my myspace blog I finally put on private. But I don't know if I should put this frozen snapshot of a piece of my history out where it can be read. For now it will be public but maybe later it will be private. I have no idea if I will ever use this blog.

But for now I will preserve it.

What myths eat us up and where us down. I wore the clown. I wore her down. What myths tie us tight to the apple tree. If not for me, you'd be free.

Fired?

So I screwed up at work today. I don't know if it will cost me my job. That would be bad since this is a good paying, flexible part time job that I can do given my health and parenting situation. At least if it happens I'm ready to take on the thing I just graduated (again) for.

I feel so much better now than I have in the past three years. More hopeful.

So even if I screw up, yes I'll feel shitty and angry at myself and have to put up with an inner tirade. But I guess I'll be okay.

Sex Love and Rock and Troll

I would really like to be touched by someone who is gentle and loving and really wants to be with ME, someone I can trust, instead of someone who wants to use me and discard me, someone who will lie to me to get what they want.

A dream

Last night I had a dream...a dream I wanted to be so real that I made it real. As I pushed forward with my desire, my wish, the sky grew brighter and the world grew bigger. I almost couldn't tell the difference between my waking world and my sleeping world.

Marveling, celebrating in a hopeful way, I went around looking hard, smelling things touching things to test if it was really true that my dreams could become impossible to tell from reality. I ran my hands over things rough and smooth. And I could feel them. I could feel them. Rough rocks, white quartz, just as I could when I'm awake.

In other dreams I can always tell the difference between my dreams and being awake. And so I had no hope that I would wake from this life and it would all just have been a dream I mistook for reality. All of this pain and suffering for the past three years, the destruction of my family, my body, my dreams, my heart, it just seemed like reality. But its really a dream I can wake up from-- a bad dream that will go away when I open my eyes and I will curl up in the dark, in my old apartment, next to my husband with my children sleeping near.

And I will whisper like so many times before "I had a bad dream". Comforted in his warm arms he tell me, "Its okay, its just a bad dream, it wasn't real. Main Hoon Na. I'm here now."

So another year has passed. its hard to believe that it was one full year ago at this time that i was literally starving towards death.
but ive worked hard this year. though my calorie intake only occasionally goe over 1200 and rarely goes over 1500 I think im in a much better place than last year. I just wish i were healthy again before my youth completely passes me by

when to give up?

Every now and then a person contemplates suicide. Life is hard, the body quits working, love is ripped away, pressures creep in with viciousness, and a weakend body and mind simply wonders how much more of the burdens of life can be placed on it before ones knees begin to buckle.

The problem for an analytical mind is that it is so relatively easy to kill oneself.

Take for example the universe. It lasts billions and billions of years. Events such as suns being born and planets losing their atmospheres occur in a blink of an eye. So the human life span 70-100 years is the mere beginning of a breath in the universe. That means the easiest way to kill oneself is to just wait.