So I screwed up at work today. I don't know if it will cost me my job. That would be bad since this is a good paying, flexible part time job that I can do given my health and parenting situation. At least if it happens I'm ready to take on the thing I just graduated (again) for.
I feel so much better now than I have in the past three years. More hopeful.
So even if I screw up, yes I'll feel shitty and angry at myself and have to put up with an inner tirade. But I guess I'll be okay.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Tuesday, May 2, 2006
Sex Love and Rock and Troll
I would really like to be touched by someone who is gentle and loving and really wants to be with ME, someone I can trust, instead of someone who wants to use me and discard me, someone who will lie to me to get what they want.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
A dream
Last night I had a dream...a dream I wanted to be so real that I made it real. As I pushed forward with my desire, my wish, the sky grew brighter and the world grew bigger. I almost couldn't tell the difference between my waking world and my sleeping world.
Marveling, celebrating in a hopeful way, I went around looking hard, smelling things touching things to test if it was really true that my dreams could become impossible to tell from reality. I ran my hands over things rough and smooth. And I could feel them. I could feel them. Rough rocks, white quartz, just as I could when I'm awake.
In other dreams I can always tell the difference between my dreams and being awake. And so I had no hope that I would wake from this life and it would all just have been a dream I mistook for reality. All of this pain and suffering for the past three years, the destruction of my family, my body, my dreams, my heart, it just seemed like reality. But its really a dream I can wake up from-- a bad dream that will go away when I open my eyes and I will curl up in the dark, in my old apartment, next to my husband with my children sleeping near.
And I will whisper like so many times before "I had a bad dream". Comforted in his warm arms he tell me, "Its okay, its just a bad dream, it wasn't real. Main Hoon Na. I'm here now."
Marveling, celebrating in a hopeful way, I went around looking hard, smelling things touching things to test if it was really true that my dreams could become impossible to tell from reality. I ran my hands over things rough and smooth. And I could feel them. I could feel them. Rough rocks, white quartz, just as I could when I'm awake.
In other dreams I can always tell the difference between my dreams and being awake. And so I had no hope that I would wake from this life and it would all just have been a dream I mistook for reality. All of this pain and suffering for the past three years, the destruction of my family, my body, my dreams, my heart, it just seemed like reality. But its really a dream I can wake up from-- a bad dream that will go away when I open my eyes and I will curl up in the dark, in my old apartment, next to my husband with my children sleeping near.
And I will whisper like so many times before "I had a bad dream". Comforted in his warm arms he tell me, "Its okay, its just a bad dream, it wasn't real. Main Hoon Na. I'm here now."
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