8/16/05
I am a strong woman.
No matter if the world is stronger than me.
I will hold up as long as I can
under the weight that I bear
under the weight that is added
and if I collapse
there will be forgiveness in my heart
because I made an ant just an ant
and hercules just a man
and I withstood with strength
the best that I could.
I am a strong woman.
Deep Breath in...
Deep Breath in...
Close my eyes...
Smile.
I made it another day.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Water Color Soul
I want to do more here than whine whine whine. I want to capture the
enthusiasm I see when I read the beginning of this blog. But the truth
is I'm more often moved to write when I'm upset than when I'm happy, so
statistically speaking it is more likely that my misery and sorrow will
be chronicled than prettier emotions.
Was I spurred to write this because of less than jubilant feelings....yeah a grey watercolor sadness that can't be washed away.
If you pick the wrong man to fall in love with, you just seem to keep falling until you are floating in a hazy steam of heartbreak.
I want mine back so much, but the man that is, is not the man that was, and I am led by the illusion as if by a mirage in the desert.
Was I spurred to write this because of less than jubilant feelings....yeah a grey watercolor sadness that can't be washed away.
If you pick the wrong man to fall in love with, you just seem to keep falling until you are floating in a hazy steam of heartbreak.
I want mine back so much, but the man that is, is not the man that was, and I am led by the illusion as if by a mirage in the desert.
Sunday, August 7, 2005
Death
I hit a deer tonight and am still reeling from it. Laced with the
shocks of murdering such a large life, whose thudding smack resembles
that of a human, im sure, is the shock that is my life that i keep
trying to supress because there is nothing i can do to stem the tide of
misery that washes away my humanity, grain by grain, wave by wave. My
body heaves the emotion of my vehicular crime, and in a mass emesis,
heave the emotion of my ultimate crimes against myself, failing in my
dream, failing in my place as a savior, failing in the base of
humanity, failing to forgive myself...unlike Socrates my list of crimes
is long, and there is no one to beg me to escape an unjust system. But
there is no hemlock either, nor rest for the weary soul.
I remember crying over drowned frog, who my boyfriend at the time bade others to hide from me to prevent the emotion. Butmy emotion and reverence saved it, because it was dying not dead yet. kittens died in my hands a few weeks ago and i couldn't save them. and i cried, and i mourned...there was no resurrection. Then the deer, and i screamed from helpless moment of knowing i would hit it until i brought my car to a halt. The blood is on my hands now.if my words seem dramatic, dramatic they may be..but that dismissal doesn't lessen the truth of the feeling.
and then in shock i drove to my sisters house, and in that heaving of emotion there was a regurgitation of feeling...the one that i am alone. there is no one at my house to call and tell i will not be home. not completely alone. im am lucky enough to be a my sisters house. a house is not a home. it is shelter. my sister is well meaning but has limitation in nurturing
and i the nurturer and protectress no longer able to nurture and protect.
instead there is so much help i need and frankly over the course of the years ive felt abandoned in a way i wouldn't have been if i had a respectable disease lke cancer or stroke, though mine is no less destructive. and weak. the pain over taking my body is relapse. it enough to make many people consider that self actio that perpetuates in greek tragedy...ajax, antgone.
t
I remember crying over drowned frog, who my boyfriend at the time bade others to hide from me to prevent the emotion. Butmy emotion and reverence saved it, because it was dying not dead yet. kittens died in my hands a few weeks ago and i couldn't save them. and i cried, and i mourned...there was no resurrection. Then the deer, and i screamed from helpless moment of knowing i would hit it until i brought my car to a halt. The blood is on my hands now.if my words seem dramatic, dramatic they may be..but that dismissal doesn't lessen the truth of the feeling.
and then in shock i drove to my sisters house, and in that heaving of emotion there was a regurgitation of feeling...the one that i am alone. there is no one at my house to call and tell i will not be home. not completely alone. im am lucky enough to be a my sisters house. a house is not a home. it is shelter. my sister is well meaning but has limitation in nurturing
and i the nurturer and protectress no longer able to nurture and protect.
instead there is so much help i need and frankly over the course of the years ive felt abandoned in a way i wouldn't have been if i had a respectable disease lke cancer or stroke, though mine is no less destructive. and weak. the pain over taking my body is relapse. it enough to make many people consider that self actio that perpetuates in greek tragedy...ajax, antgone.
t
Thursday, August 4, 2005
42
*Where is my husband?
*How can we lose love?
*How do you stop loving someone who has disapeared from your life?
*Why?
*How can we lose love?
*How do you stop loving someone who has disapeared from your life?
*Why?
Monday, July 4, 2005
message in a bottle
silly title in't it.
Today was the 4th
THE FOURTH
does that mean anything? I wonder.
Every year on this date and the week prior i see flags waving, hear god bless america enough times to make me want to poke out my ear drums, and watch people stand solemly for the star spangled banner. I hear masticated cookie cutter stamped statements about freedom...and for the rest of the year watch the same people switch into a different mindset and trample the very ideas they give lip service to.
What is freedom? and being a "good patriot" on the fourth, does that really make you a freedom fighter or a champion of freedom? Or a compliant little sheep that does what its told and helps keep others in line via social control year in and year out....right on cue depending on the holiday, capitalist driven and all.
Today was the 4th
THE FOURTH
does that mean anything? I wonder.
Every year on this date and the week prior i see flags waving, hear god bless america enough times to make me want to poke out my ear drums, and watch people stand solemly for the star spangled banner. I hear masticated cookie cutter stamped statements about freedom...and for the rest of the year watch the same people switch into a different mindset and trample the very ideas they give lip service to.
What is freedom? and being a "good patriot" on the fourth, does that really make you a freedom fighter or a champion of freedom? Or a compliant little sheep that does what its told and helps keep others in line via social control year in and year out....right on cue depending on the holiday, capitalist driven and all.
Friday, July 1, 2005
another day
I no longer care about this blog.it served its purpose when i had the
intelligence and humanity of a human being. but now that im a
rather dry huskof my former self and just struggle every day to acheive
fully the bottom level of maslows hierarchy, i fel like i have nothing
to say.
yet somehow it seemes wrong to abandon this blog to just stagnate and die like an old unsed forgotten satellite.
maybe i should just post random stuff even if its not mportant just so i don't let it die.
I feel everything i stop doing becasue im tired and non functional is just metaphorical for the collapse of my life. I need a vision of success and self love and humanity, not proof of how i keep failing..
this blog included.
damn im tired
chronic fatigue is a bitch and it screws you life insurance rating, let me tell you
yet somehow it seemes wrong to abandon this blog to just stagnate and die like an old unsed forgotten satellite.
maybe i should just post random stuff even if its not mportant just so i don't let it die.
I feel everything i stop doing becasue im tired and non functional is just metaphorical for the collapse of my life. I need a vision of success and self love and humanity, not proof of how i keep failing..
this blog included.
damn im tired
chronic fatigue is a bitch and it screws you life insurance rating, let me tell you
Thursday, June 30, 2005
and the saga continues
did you follow the path
from my heart to my brain
did you take my hand
down the shade laden lane
my rhythms are trite
but I can't complain
better that than no rhytm
and shame laden pain
blech....oh well. updated as a reminder.
no I didn't make it into medical school. yes my health did deteriorate then I nearly starved to death, no exaggeration. No he didn't take the kids, we finally settled on shared parenting..
I however have finished going insane in the most rational controlled way I can. I've sprouted wild. Like those thick juicy blackberries that you pick from the side of the road on lonely rural highways.
The upside: I'm still alive...and any day you're still alive,is a day your winning the battle. and my children are alive and thriving and that makes the battle worth winning.
from my heart to my brain
did you take my hand
down the shade laden lane
my rhythms are trite
but I can't complain
better that than no rhytm
and shame laden pain
blech....oh well. updated as a reminder.
no I didn't make it into medical school. yes my health did deteriorate then I nearly starved to death, no exaggeration. No he didn't take the kids, we finally settled on shared parenting..
I however have finished going insane in the most rational controlled way I can. I've sprouted wild. Like those thick juicy blackberries that you pick from the side of the road on lonely rural highways.
The upside: I'm still alive...and any day you're still alive,is a day your winning the battle. and my children are alive and thriving and that makes the battle worth winning.
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