Missing: Intelligent spirited passionate girl, replaced with robotic, dusty grey changeling

call ***-***-**** if you have any info regarding this case.

8/14/04
a brain
doused
like fire
under waters
dampen down
dampen down
the roaring flames of intellect
of passion
soaring, touching, excelling
my mind
gone
shadow babysitter
to hold its place
until someday
may it return
we hope
we hope
Is this my own self-pity. A cyber journal with no readership. The perfect place to put my dumbed dismay at what I feel I've lost. God forbid my own journals stay in this home, next to me a reminder of my constant fear that I will live as a shadow of my former self for the rest of my life. Am I a different woman now? a different person inhabiting the same body. My mental pathways impaired, when I feel like this I wonder, how can I ever possibly achieve that which once was as easy as breathing.
On the days when the fatigue is not eating me alive screaming, I sense hope for a return of that bright talented young woman. I feel impending release from this illness. But on days like this, I get pessimistic and wonder if this is howI'm destined to live my days. Given sweet gifts, though briefly, and forced to live pale next to them after they have slipped away. I am too young to feel this old.

my children

I'm sitting her with my sleeping child in my lap. I can't even describe to you how good it feels. The warm skin and slow breath of a child curled up next your skin. We all have days where we are short tempered or frustrated, or life makes us feel like sitting by the side of the road screaming or bawling...or both. But just having her here in my arms...its grounding. Its the love that drives you and love that brings you inner peace and calm.

updates

Updates: The medical school interview went tremendously well. I did not make the first round however. There is a second round coming up in May. Cross my fingers. Maddeningly enough, because of chosen people with multiple acceptances or people dropping out, they accept people until the day before classes. Doesn't leave much time for planning. My application for PhD needs one more recommender to send in their forms for it to be sent to committee. My domestic partner is aparently addicted to me like heroin, but is going ahead and pursuing full custody of the children, he has gone to a lawyer, is bankrolled by his rich uncle, and the lawyer is going to file custody papers tomorrow. Never mind that I wanted to have the kids, not him, never mind that he tried to convince me to have an abortion with our first child, never mind that I do and have done a significant portion of care their entire lives...y mas y mas. Never mind that he hasn't even really tried to work out a solution between us. But he believes he's got to do it. :(

I got through all of my classes in ASL and I got a part in a no-budget independent movie, serious guerilla movie making. Things in my life are either fairly to really good or fairly to really bad all at once. its like getting a really great hickey and then getting bitten really hard afterward.

Mixed Fruit

I'm learning more and more why aol is not the place to blog. Better places to blog people. However, It is here, so here I stay. The medical school interview went well. I got my PhD application in. If I'm lucky I'll get into either program and if I'm super lucky I'll get into both! But trying not to get my hopes up.  Now I just have to figure out a way to survive from now until summer (seriously people, no one is looking for a temporary worker with my credentials *Sorry Your overqualified* sound of door slamming). Lets see...if I get arrested for selling sex on the streets it couuuld jeopardize medical school so I guess prostituting is out. Hey anyone wanna make me a business loan? Sweet return on your money. My terms. Call me babes.

Einstein over and out

 

P.S. George Bush is an idiot. If you think other wise, you have been sufficiently snowed. He is perhaps the worst president in history. He would remind me of Darth vader except...well, Vader actually had a hand in running the Republic even though he was the henchman and mouth piece of his dark lord. Bush has no real hand in running the US and is the mouth piece for some dark lord in the secret service we don't even know about, the demon known as Rumsfeld, and a flock of other Shadowens. (okay so I'm mixing my sci fi but hey its a mixed bag of evil at the white house right now). Do I like Kerry? No. Would I rather have Kerry than George Bush. Yes. I would rather have a pineapple run the country than George bush. At least it wouldn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth. OK. Political rant done...except for "Gay Marriage should be legalized". Ok, now I'm done.

I got an interview

I came home last night and there was a message on my machine. They said they wanted an interview. So I called them today and set one up.

*face widens with awe* I got an interview for medical school

I got an interview to medical school.

I GOT AN INTERVIEW TO MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!

I know it doesn't mean I'll get in, but think people, I didn't even start the application process until the deadline had passed. I told two of my recommenders. I was misting up I was so happy. I told my mate too (that is another story). He was the first one I called even though technically right now he should be the last.

I was so excited that I was going to call my family, even though I told myself I should wait. But after the auction fell through, and the first house we tried to buy failed the house inspection, I though I should wait in case this fell through too. Any way, I'm so glad. I'm one step closer to not having to set up a secret lab in my closet!

 

Peace, Love, and remember to buckle up!

Little old me

 

<A HREF="http://www.theusatimes.com/promote/index.php?id=16506">USA Time</A>  oh, thats just weird. Aol is very strange

 

blech

 

So its a rhythmic chant. The bold is the emphasis.

It picks at your brain

It drives you insane

the beating refrain

the hum  of the train

the ongoing tales

the endlessly trails

the whispering whales

the wailingly rales

           Stop

Dumping

I finally got my secondary application in for Med school. I just have to fill out my PhD application, send it with transcripts and application fee and letters of recommendation. On the down side, the deal on the house I bought at auction fell through; its likely my landlord will terminate my month to month lease, after I've responded to the fact that they entered my apartment without appropriate notice...I have no where to go or take the kids and I'm just too tired and worn to move right now; My  common law spouse is back to saying he's leaving me and going to seek full custody of our children, even though he of course spends nights with me and comes back for emotional energy when he's down; my grandmother broke her tibia (she cares for her disabled daughter and her granddaughter with down syndrome) and my grandfather has been put in a nursing home for the duration...needless to say, like a bad grandaughter I have not called or visited them because I have been sick; I had a suprise major exam in class today; ah what else.

Sometimes the seas are stormy

And greyness strokes the sky with a slow cloudy paintbrush

The wind carries warning of rain and uncontrollable skies

But for now there is only smallness in the greyness...

Little stormy peaks on on little stormy waves

Little brushes on your cheek by sandy salty restless breeze

A sun who has *intelligently* hidden.

And birds, agitated call to their families and mates

     <I>Come home Come in, while its still small before its immensity swallows you</I>

and if it does?

You know...

this too, in time will pass.

Mud Hut

If it weren't for my children I would live in a small hut with a mud floor. That way, not only would people not complain if I didn't sweep it, but it would be considered normal to have dirt on the floor.

In other news, I started the ASL interpreter program at the local community college. The medical school gave me a deadline extension on AMCAS, and I got that turned in (thats $180 application fee for just one school! Not the kind of money I have to waste) I'm going to finish the secondary application on Mon. I would have done it this week-end but my printer ran out of ink and I can't afford another cartridge. ( I can buy a thirty dollar cartridge or pay the fourty dollar secondary application fee). Ah, my future in medicine rests in the hands of the local library.

Cheers in this blizzard (I bet those of you in Florida are glad your not North right now)