J**** F****** C***** also know as Pandora

I had done some independent film work before I had a health relapse. Today I had someone send me some written work asking me if I'd like to acquire it. I emailed the person and let them know I was no longer doing producing.


I followed this person's link. They are blind. They were a normal human being like I was and then boom one year went blind. Now they have articles and books published. They have written adult books, childrens's books and screenplay.Now I know I should be inspired, but I'm going to wallow for a little bit, because--well I like to save my happiness for my children and not waste it on written word.

This person lost everything a non disable life has to offer and became disabled. And they are going on and succeeding. And their disability is far more disabling than mind.

Am I succeeding? No. I am slowly losing my dreams one by one. First, my husband, my love poof. And he took our beautiful loving close knit family life with him. Then my health. Then working (supporting myself) Then half my IQ. Then my home Then medical school, then science (The two most things  important to meother than my family). Then real estate work. Then food. (got that one back thank god but nearly starved to death). Then film work. I'm barely holding onto the fire department. Scraping through school. Thank God ive got my kids, even though my ex threatens to take them from me at least once a month.

And though I have a broken pained exhausted body, its not as disabling as being blind. Yet im feeling frankly completely incompetent.


Well now that i've got that out of my system, the truth is I still have hope. Its at the bottom of the box once you clear everything else away. and im still breathing and stepping and i've still got my kids and for that i am happy.